All The People You Love

No one will ever know.
If you never tell anyone that you're hurting.
They won't know that they can help.

"All the people you love, in a river of blood." For some reason that quote keeps returning to me tonight.
This is the 2nd time my mom has called me a Bitch since my last post. I hate it. I hate it when she does that. It was something over LugROX and me not coming to the van early enough and she had to wait 40 minutes. SHe thought I would call her when I wanted her to pick me up (which I said I would) and she came anyway, and I saw her so I didnt call. She got mad 'cus I didn't call-SHE WAS THERE! She came earlier than I would have called.
And NOW she's all mad! I HATE KJHGDFKL (no word suitable int he English language). She doesn't like that I'm out everynight. It's not like I'm doing drugs! I'm going to freakin' YOUTHGROUPS! CHURCH! I'm so ticked off and mad! I'm crying! I HATE THIS! My mom is so stupid that she doesn't even realise I cry. She thinks I have colds, (me, the child who has missed school once on 10 yrs because she was sick).
I hate being at home at night. I don't like my house at all, it's so messy, I just wanna take a wrecking ball and knock it down. We have so much frickin' junk in this house. I hate messes and they stress me out and put me in bad moods. My whole freakin' house is a mess!!! I clean it every saturday but theses stupid pigs I live with can't keep their flippin' crap in the garbage where it belongs!
I stay out of the house at night because the only things I can do to get of the house are at night. Youthgroups are at night, Bach Choir is, sleepovers. If I could, I would never come home, live in a museum. Museums are clean. Maybe I could make myself a bedroom at Northland.
And what I hate even more is that my mom one hour will say "I love you, you;re my baby girl, you're my sweetie, I'm glad we're friends." and then 2 hours later she'll be calling me a bitch, or bitchy! It bothers me soooo much! THat's why I don';t wanna go home! Why I was trying desperatly tonight to get someone to take me to Shana's birthday party after LugROX! No one wanted to go! I should've just asked Shana to drive me, even though none of the other freshmen were going.
It's not like I have a horrible life, I have a nice one. It's very comfy, I have nice clothes, my parents don't fight. I don't even communicate with my dad, so it's not like we can fight. Maybe, because I never talked/talk to him, maybe that's why I have such a hard time communicating/talking/joking with guys. Just being friends is hard for me. I don't know how to act around them. I always felt like my dad was paranoid someone would think he was sexually molesting me or something. Recently, I found out I was wrong all this time. But now that I know that, it's still hard to be around him. It's hard to be around guys (friends) 'cus I'm afraid they'll think I like them or something, and I know what's acceptable for bf/gf P.D.A, but I have no clue what's proper for friends. Taryn is always hugging guys and jumping on them 'cus they're her friends. I can't do that, I feel awkward, like I can't even brush up against a guy without feeling like did something weird/wrong.
I feel like such a failure, and my pride is always getting in the way. I hate my pride, along with a lot of other things. I feel like no one knows that I don't have it all together, that's I'm not "alright" or "good". No one knows that I cry myself to sleep every other night and I don't even totally know why I am crying. I want someone to tell, who won't judge me, or try to give me advice. I DON'T WANT ADVICE! I just want someone to listen and say that it's ok to feel this way. Like Will in "Good Will Hunting", he needed to hear that it wasn't his fault.
As I'm writing this, I'm starting to hyperventilate and cry. That's all I want, to know it's ok to feel this way, to be this way. I don't want someone to tell me "it's all gonna be fine", DON'T THEY THINK I KNOW THAT?! That I've heard that enought times to know it's true and that God's "in control"?
But that doesn't matter (hearing that "God's in control"), it's not like my life is spinning out of control, or that I have cancer, of my parent's are getting a divorce!
I feel so weak and small, poured out.
I just wanna know that the way I'm feeling is ok. Heck, I don't even know how I feel! I can't explain it to someone! And people ask "how are you?" and even when they really mean it, I can't just tell them, we're usually in public then, and I can't start telling them, they'll think I'm, stupid 'cus it will sound so juvenile and dumb when I say it outloud. And I'll start crying, and they'll think I'm crying over nothing. They'll try to get me to stop crying and try to comfort me, but I don't want that. I want to cry, it feels to cry. All's I want to just to have a good, long, hard cry in someone else's arms instead of crying into my pillow all alone.

*Lord, this is my plea: help?*