Ma, What's Going On?

I told Taryn on Thursday morning that I would serve at a martial arts tournament if Africa fell through. At the time, I thought Africa would still happen and that God would come through and make my passport magically appear at the FedEx place...

So last night, when I saw Taryn, I told her "see you tomorrow morning" as I got into Charlie's car at 1am (he was taking me home).

Well, I woke up to go to the tourney and realized that all I wanted to do was just not go to the tourney. All I could think about was that the only reason I would be at the tourney is because I wasn't in Africa. -Btw, they've been in Africa for 13 hours now.

So I drove Mary to the parking lot where the volunteers were meeting and when mary got out of the car, taryn yelled "go park the car lady!" and I said "sorry" an then d drove away. Yeah, I know, that was cold, but I didn't have the heart to explain to her that I just couldn't go through a whole day of "I'm supposed to be in Africa -if I was in Africa, I wouldn't be here...". I asked Mary to explain to them for me, and she says she did.

And here's the kicker: My mom came in my room tonight and said "I'm sorry. Don't listen to Taryn. She's not worth it. Keep hanging out with Charlie, he's actually nice to you." I asked what she was talking about and she proceeded to explain that Mary overheard Taryn talking about me to the other kids at the tourney today. She apparently complained about how I've already had a whole day to get over Africa, that I need to get over Africa quick, and that I'm using Charlie 'cus I asked him to drop me off at my house (10 minutes away from taryn's, in the direction of his house, and only because it was after my driving curfew and I didn't want to be grounded for 4 days).

I wish Taryn could realize that I REALLY want to go to Africa. I was the 1st person to sign up for Africa -heck, I asked about Africa before there was even a trip to Africa! I was the one hanging on every one of Bianca's words at xmas camp (a south african youth leader). It's all I've been talking about since February when I found out I was going. I got all my support money in even. I've been praying for this trip for months, I've been looking for news articles about Africa anytime I get my hands on a newspaper, magazine, and a lot of times just on the internet.



...Taryn does kinda have a point about it being charlie and I -our relationship is just a lil messed up.
I guess I use him to make myself feel loved, but I'm pretty sure that that's what I do for him, so it's win-win, kinda. But it seems like no other person cares about me enough to pick up their phone at 1am to hear me sobbing and actually not mind staying up to listen.
And all the Northland kids do is talk about me behind my back, act stupid, be ignorant, and say sarcastic, hurtful things about everyone to their face (but they think it's ok 'cus they said it sarcastically). I think the only reason I stay at Northland is 'cus of my ABS girls.