Dumb Teen Rantings

I feel really foolish.
I mean, I felt foolish before, and then my mom went and made it worse.
I've been hanging out with Paul lately. We've watched movies at Tyler's, I took Paul and Tyler to dinner with me when I went with the AP Lang kids Thursday night, and we had some good conversations at Christmas Camp. And last Saturday I texted him 1am asking what he had talked about with Duane and the other guys at Ms. Amy's party that night (Duane, from Namibia, and all the guys had gone off to the side at the party to pray and encouraged each other for something close to an hour). So he texts back to my surprise ('cus it's 1am) and I ask him why he's still up. He says he's "thinking". So I told him that if he ever needed someone to talk to, I was there.

So next thing I know, he's calling me and we're talking. At about 2am it sounded like he really needed a hug 'cus of everything that is going on with his sister and his family in general, so without him knowing, I got in my car and drove to his house. I told him to go outside (it was 2:30am by now) and gave him the biggest hug, which I think he really appreciated, and we went inside and talk till until a lil before 5am. At that time, we decided I would just sleep in his lil brother's room (lil bro sleeps in Paul'sbed 'cus he doesnt like to sleep alone). So we went to bed and I was woken up in the morning by Paul's sister and his parents )who acted totally cool about me sleeping over) and we all ate breakfast together. Other than that hug, nothing happened except for talking that night, period.

Well, I wrote him a note the next day while doing my hw. He wrote me one back and so it went on this whole week. We would find each other at school and exchange notes. So Thursday Tyler (his neighbor) invited me over to watch a movie at his house with Paul, so I came. We watched some stupid movie, Sarah came too, it was fun. I sat on the couch with Sarah, Paul on the floor.

In one of my notes I had suggested we make cookies and watch a movie friday night. So friday came along and I finished my hw and went to Paul's house. Paul, Tyler, Sarah and I made cookies and then Paul and I went to Blockbuster to pick out a movie (we picked one from Italy and then we also picked The Station Agent). We start watching The Station Agent at 10pm, but by then Tyler had gone home and it was just Paul, Sarah and I. After that, we put in the Italian movie; 5 minutes into it, Sarah says she's gonna go to bed (she is Paul's sister). From there, being alone with Paul, everything just got messed up. I mean, nothing happened like that, hehe, but it progressed from head on his shoulder to lying next to each other and him playing with my hair - I guess I just feel like where he and I are in our relationship with each other just isn't right for that kind of contact (but I did it anyway 'cus I'm ...stupid?) . It was totally my fault, I was the one who put my head on his shoulder in the 1st place. I feel really foolish and gah, I just don't know if I want to see him again after doing that.

What makes it worse is that the DVD stopped playing for some odd reason in the middle of the film and we just talked (while I leaned against him and played with my hair) for about 2 hours with a black screen in front of us. I feel like I ruin any of my chances of dating someone by acting like that, like a "Christian slut" (as my Northland friends would call it), haha. I'm so stupid. I finally made myself get up and leave at 3:00am and got home at 3:20.

So I wake up this morning at 12:20pm and walk to the kitchen to make myself an egg for"breakfast". My mom is in there and decides to tell me that I was out way too late last night and that "nice girls don't stay out that late" (which is kind of true, but it's truthfulness only made it worse). She asked "what do Paul's parents think of you staying over so late? -I'd hate to know". Gah, I mean, I already felt foolish for getting so close to him and me being the one who initiated it and all, but now I just feel like scum (as opposed to feeling like just a stupid teen girl like I did before). Even last night when I got home, I felt bad enough to text Paul (already regretting my actions) and said "I really hope tonight didn't negatively change your perception of me" (and some other random stuff, like that I got home safely). He texted back asking "Why would tonight have changed my perception of you?".) meh.

Oh, and did I mention that, thanks to that "great" conversation I had with my mom, she decided that I needed to have a curfew? It's 1am, which will probably keep from doing something stupid again, but still, I've never had a curfew before, never been grounded (not that I am grounded, hehe).
I wish she wouldn't confuse me. I know if it had been Mason she would have eagerly/curiously interrogated me about everything that happened last night. Why can't she just stick with the same message the whole time?

P.S.
I've still never been kissed or anything, so don't worry. I'm still innocent in the eyes of almost everyone else in the world.