Ain't That Easy

SLT really messed me up this weekend. Student Leadership Training is for highschoolers who lead LugROX and ABS groups, for us to get focused on our kids, to remind us it's about the kids, to help us build relationships with our kids (it's highschoolers only, and of course a speaker).

We did personality profiles and how knowing other people's personality types can help us understand and cooperate with and love them better. Of Hippocrates' (sp) 4 personality types, I got melancholy. Ms Copeland, the speaker, went on to say that a good characteristic of melancholies are that they are loyal friends. She mentioned that and I immediately thought of Warren. I started to cry and all my mascara began to run. I think only 3 or 4 people noticed, but I wish I didn't feel so loyal to him. He couldn't care less about me and I would still do anything for him. I think that's one of the reasons I am so scared about letting anyone get to know me, why I don't trust people. I mean, I know everyone is scared of getting hurt, but I have a set pattern, with boys especially: form a friendship, think I can trust them, tell them something personal, get freaked out cus now I feel they know too much, then distance myself before they can leave me.



Oh, and the reason why it messed me up is 'cus Friday night, after taking Taryn home from SLT, I pulled into my driveway, listening to "Bad Dream" by keane, and started to cry. Not just cry, hysterically sob. I don't know why. I guess I just realized there is no one that I trust. I hate talking to my mom about stuff, she'll just give me a hug and I don't want a hug, especially from her (not sure why). After the talk, Rudy asked us to partner up with someone who we trusted and pray with them about being obedient. I couldn't think of one person I felt comfortable enough to be "naked" (emotionally) with and actually truly be honest with. I still can't. Eventually I realized I was sitting next to Erica and she asked "who should i partner with?", so I suggested myself.

Today, Madeline and I were the only 2 melancholies out of the 32 highschoolers. I have been so stressed. I've been irritable, exhausted, tired. Tired of listening to everyone and not being able to act on my own. Everyone tells me how to act, where to go, what to do: Rudy, my mom, Ms. lyons, Mr Plyler, Sean, Ms Amy, my friends, colleges, Novie. I didn't want to go home and so I went to Tyler's and ate some pizza for a bit. All I wanted was for to Tyler to hold me -not in a romantic way, but in a safe, secure, brotherly or fatherly way. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him or anything, I just don't think he would quite care, I don't know how to explain why they heck I'm so messed up right now, I don't even quite know why I keep uncontrollably sobbing. On my way home from Tyler's, once I got out of his neighborhood, I started to cry big, heavy, loud tear drops. I'm not sure if I was coughing, yelling, moaning, crying, or just being upset -maybe all of them at the same time. My eyes are red, my mascara is all gone, I look awful and I just want to trust God that everything will turn out for the good of those who love Him.



Oh, and last night Rudy asked me to eat something on the bar at SLT when I walked into the room. I told him I wasn't hungry and that I had just had dinner. He said he didnt care and that it was imperative for the talk to go right for me to eat something. I refused, I wasn't hungry, I didn't want an extra 25 calories if I didn't have to. Eventually I was almost/kind of was yelling at him and eventually came to a compromise that I would eat a quarter of an M&M if he would let it go. Everyone else had eaten something when he told them to (he did this when they walked in). The whole rest of the night, as people came in, Rudy asked them to eat something and they complied, no questions asked. Well, the talk to was on being obedient and I was still wondering why it was imperative that I should eat food for the talk he gave. I asked him after the talk and he said "obedience".
I felt/still feel like a fool. No one else gave him a hard time. I was the only one who didn't obey. Rudy is really important to me, being my youthpastor and all. No one else asked questions, they all listened to him and did what he said just because he had told them to, they trusted him and so listened to him, even if they didn't know why he asked them to do it.